Nutz and Yahe
by Lyra Aleyn
Summary: Things go crazy when Mulder and Scully take some yahe. Cameos from every source imaginable! Hilarious!


Nuts and Yahé  


* * *

Mulder walked into his office Friday morning and threw his coat on a chair, not looking up. He sat down at his desk and looked to find Scully lying on his desk giving him a seductive look.   
  
Mulder: Scully, what are you doing?   
  
Scully: Oh, um, nothing really. I felt like lying down but I don't have a desk of my own.   
  
Mulder: Well, could you move?   
  
Scully: Why?   
  
Mulder: Because you're on my desk and I need to work!   
  
Scully: Well, maybe you could join me...   
  
Mulder looks frightened.   
  
Mulder: Um...er..well..   
  
Scully: There's a lock on the door...   
  
She played with his hair. Mulder picked up the phone and dialed.   
  
Mulder: Hello.....Skinner?   
  
Phone (Skinner): Yes, Mulder?   
  
Mulder: I have a problem here. Scully is lying on my desk and trying to seduce me...* his expression changed* but she thinks I'm you!   
  
Scully: WHAT??!! That's not true!   
  
Phone (Skinner): What?! She wants to screw me?. . .COOL!   
  
Mulder: Yeah...   
  
Phone (Skinner): Couldja put Scully on the phone?   
  
Mulder gives the phone to Scully.   
  
Scully: Yes?  
  
Phone (Skinner): Hey baby, what are you wearing?   
  
Scully: Uh... *grins* Mulder's underwear.   
  
Mulder: WHAT??!!   
  
He grabs the phone back.   
  
Mulder: Skinner, you perv!   
  
Phone (Skinner): Uh-uh, uh. (He moaned into the phone) Hey! You are the one that gave Scully your undies!   
  
Mulder: I most certainly did not.   
  
Scully: SHUT UP!! I don't wanna hear this any more!   
  
Phone (Skinner): Mulder, I challenge you to a duel! Whoever wins gets Scully.   
  
Mulder: WHAT??!!   
  
Phone (Skinner): You heard me, a duel!   
  
Mulder: In fencing?   
  
Phone (Skinner): No, in video games!   
  
Mulder: What? Skinner, have you completely lost your mind?   
  
Phone (Skinner): Me? Mind? MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   
  
Mulder hangs up the phone and looks at Scully. She started to take off her shirt.   
  
Mulder: Scully! Good God stop it!   
  
He ran to the door, but it was locked.   
  
Scully: *in a husky voice* Why? Don't you love me?   
  
Mulder: Well, I am more attracted to women who are tall and long-legged. Why do you think I read porno magazines?   
  
Scully: For the same reason I read them. Those girls are so damn HOT!   
  
Mulder: Um, Scully, is there something I don't know about you?   
  
Scully: Do you want to know it all?   
  
Mulder: No, I just wanna get outta here. Where is the key?   
  
Scully took the key out of her pocket and slipped it into her underwear.   
  
Scully: Come and get it!   
  
Mulder: Sometimes I just don't understand you. You like reading Playboy, yet you are trying to rape me.   
  
Scully: It's called bisexuality. Bi-sex-u-al-i-ty.  
  
Mulder: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Skinner's Voice: I'm coming in!   
  
Skinner tries to break down the door. A thunk is heard; then a big bump. Another voice is heard outside the door.   
  
Unknown Voice: Skinner? Skinner? Are you OK? Do I have to give you mouth-to-mouth?   
  
Skinner's Voice: I'd like that.   
  
Scully looked through the door window.   
  
Scully: Krycek! It's Krycek!   
  
Mulder:* jokingly* 3-way!   
  
Scully: Okay!   
  
Mulder: Just kidding. I wouldn't do that...well maybe me, Skinner, and Krycek.   
  
Just then, a small bump is heard and the door falls in. There stands a tanned warrior in leather armor with raven black hair and piercing blue eyes. Next to her stands an Amazon Princess with reddish blond hair and icy green eyes.   
  
Mulder: Now that's my kinda woman.   
  
A girl with short brown hair streaked with blond walks in.   
  
Adia: Mulder is MINE MINE MINE!!   
  
Another girl with long blond hair walks in.   
  
Tess: And Scully is MINE MINE MINE!!   
  
Mulder looks frightened.   
  
Mulder: Girls, girls, girls, no need to fight over moi!   
  
Tess: I don't care about you Mulder, Scully's my kinda man!   
  
Mulder: Man?   
  
Scully: I AM NOT A MAN!!   
  
Tess: Yeah, I know, but I need to say that. Who knows who's listening?   
  
Gabrielle: NOOO!! I think us blondes should be together!   
  
Xena: Get off, brat-kid. Mulder is mine.   
  
Scully: I don't love any of you!! I go for the bitchy-Humanities-teacher-with-short-grey-hair-and-too-much-hot-pink- lipstick type.   
  
In walks Mrs. Howell.   
  
Mrs. Howell: Here I am, at your disposal.  
  
Krycek and Skinner finally enter.   
  
Skinner: Hey babes, I got some beer, anyone wanna party?   
  
All: YES!!!!   
  
Mulder turned on the CD player. The lovely, deafening sounds of Hanson played.   
  
Mulder: Scully, I told you to get rid of this CD!   
  
Scully: What? That's YOUR CD!   
  
Mulder looked embarrassed.   
  
Mulder: No, the Moffatts are mine, you got Hanson.   
  
Scully: Oh really? Well why don't you put on YOUR Spice Girls CD?   
  
Mulder: Hey!   
  
Random person #1: Lets have a toast to our new couples!!   
  
Random person #2: Good idea!   
  
Adia: I toast to Mrs. Howell and Scully! Where will you be eloping to?   
  
Scully: Lets go to Antigua, kay honey?   
  
Mrs. Howell: Sure.   
  
They skip outta the room holding hands.   
  
Krycek: Toast to Mulder and Xena!   
  
Xena: We'll be going to Amphipolis!   
  
They skip outta the room holding hands.   
  
Adia: Hey Tess, who are you marrying?   
  
Tess: Um..Skinner, would you marry me?   
  
Skinner: Really? Sure!   
  
Adia: Toast!!   
  
Adia leaves in search of John.   
  
Skinner: Hey Tess, can we skip to the honeymoon right now?   
  
Krycek steps to the center of the room.   
  
Krycek: Hey what about me?   
  
Skinner: 3-way!!  
  
Tess: Uh..on second thought, I don't like you Skinner. Go find Dr. Ecke.   
  
Skinner does just that.   
  
Random person #1: So, who's left?   
  
Tess: Me, Gabrielle, Krycek, and Adia, who is temporarily absent.   
  
Two unknown voices: Don't forget us!   
  
In walk the evil sisters of doom: Tremante and Callisto!   
  
Tess: AAAHHHHHHHH!   
  
Krycek: I really have an urge for 3-way!   
  
Doom Twins: That's OK with us.   
  
The Doom Twins and Krycek skip outta the room holding hands.   
  
Adia returns alone.   
  
Gabrielle: Um, would you, um, um, um..   
  
Tess: Words are failing the great bard!!   
  
Gabrielle: ...GET ME OUTTA THIS NUTHOUSE!!!!!!   
  
Adia: Nuts! Did someone say nuts?   
  
Tess: Nuts, nuts, nuts!   
  
Amanda V/0: Nutrageous!   
  
Tess: Okaay.....   
  
Gabrielle runs outta the room.   
  
Tess: It's only you and me left...   
  
Tess turns on Mulder's computer.   
  
Adia: Do they have AOL?   
  
Tess: Yeah, they do.   
  
They open it up and look at the screennames list.   
  
Adia: FBI Hottie, XXXFiles...   
  
Tess: What the hell?   
  
They closed AOL, and Adia whipped out a disk from her pocket.   
  
Adia: Anyone for Hollywood High?  
  
Tess: Umm....later Adia.   
  
CSM and the Flukeman skip in.   
  
CSM: Hey guess what? We're very turned on, we know you are too. And there are 4 of us!!! Guess what that means???   
  
Adia: AHHHHHHH!!!!!   
  
Flukeman: Mass-orgy time!!   
  
Tess: I just decided that I should have married earlier!   
  
Mulder, Scully, Xena, Gabrielle, Skinner, Doom Twins, Mrs. Howell and Krycek: You're not too late! We all decided to split up and marry again! So, ya lookin' for a guy or a gal?   
  
Tess + Adia: Um, none of you.   
  
They run out. Mulder and Scully look at each other.   
  
Mulder: Scully, why are all these people here?   
  
Scully: I really don't know, Mulder!   
  
A crash of thunder is heard, and a flash of lighting lights up the room. All the people in the room except Mulder and Scully disappear.   
  
Mulder: What the hell?   
  
Scully: I think that they weren't real.   
  
Mulder: I'm glad. I wouldn't wanna marry anyone but you.   
  
Scully: Really, Mulder?   
  
He kisses her and starts unbuttoning her shirt.   
  
------------15 minutes later-------------   
  
Skinner: Special Agents Mulder and Scully, what the hell are you doing?   
  
Mulder + Scully: Each other.   
  
Skinner: Um...er...um... well, just have the report on my desk by the end of the day.   
  
Skinner leaves the room.   
  
Mulder: What report?   
  
He looks on his desk and picks up a manilla envelope.   
  
Mulder: Blah, blah, blah... Hallucinations, people marrying each other...what?!   
  
Scully: What is it, Mulder?   
  
She pulled her skirt back on.  
  
Mulder: This case, it's all a little too familiar.   
  
Scully: Lemme see!   
  
--------a couple minutes later---------   
  
Scully: ME AND MRS. HOWELL!!?? That sounds nice........   
  
Mulder: Lets take some more Yahé!!!   
  
Scully: OK!   
  
People start materializing out of nowhere.   
  
Tess: Hi again!   
  
Adia: We're back!   
  
Tess: Actually, we never left...this has nothing to do with yahé.   
  
Adia: We're real!   
  
All: AND SO ARE WEEEEE!!!   
  
Tess: Lets take the party to my house!   
  
All: Kay!   
  
----------15 minutes later-----------   
  
Mulder: You wanna go for a swim?   
  
Scully: Skinny-dipping? As you wish.   
  
  
  
THE END   
  
OR IS IT???? Scully: Mulder, I'm pregnant!  
  
Skinner: By whom?   
  
Krycek: Raise your hand if you screwed Scully.   
  
Everyone raised their hands.   
  
Tess: That helps. You know, we should all take pregnancy tests, including you, Skinner....   
  
Adia: baby, baby, BABY!!!!!!!!   
  
Xena: Also, you know what? I really dislike being screwed by those not in my preferred gender. Lets clear up this mess. I call on you, you say either: Straight, Bi, or Gay/Lesbo.   
  
All: OK   
  
Xena: STRAIGHT  
  
Gabrielle: lesbo  
  
Mulder: I haven't decided yet...  
  
Scully: All of the above!!  
  
Skinner: Whatever is more convenient at the time!  
  
Krycek: Gay all the way, hunks!!  
  
Adia: Straight  
  
Tess: Straight. . .when I wanna be!  
  
  
  
Adia: Guess how often that is..??!!   
  
Mulder: Now for the pregnancy tests...   
  
Scully: and the pregnant ones need to get DNA tested.   
  
Xena: wait, wait, WAIT!!! You did not answer my question well. I still don't know which of you I can screw... Lets do this a different way. Right before you test, tell me who you'd screw! Kay?   
  
All: Kay!  
  
Scully: I go first!!! MULDER! Only Mulder!  
  
Mulder: SCULLY! Only Scully! (they begin to make out  
  
) Xena: KRYCEK, and maybe SKINNER  
  
Gabrielle: Scully, or Xena, or one of those cute high school girls!  
  
Adia: um...Rick, Bobcat, or Mulder!!! hehehehe  
  
Tess: Krycek?? No... I believe in abstinence.  
  
Skinner: Anyone handy!  
  
Krycek: DITTO!!  
  
Mulder: Aren't I the POPular one!   
  
Tess: wait.....   
  
Adia: It's OK, you can say it. I didn't really believe that you were into Krycek or abstinence...   
  
Tess: Well, I suppose you are right... I am only into male/female abstinence. YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF DAMN STRAIGHTS!!!!!!!!! And I would screw Scully or Gabrielle.   
  
Gabrielle: Really?   
  
Adia: And since those people I mentioned are not around, I'll screw Skinner instead!!   
  
Skinner: Oh goody!   
  
Adia: Just kidding.   
  
She opens the closet and Rick steps out!   
  
Rick: Hey, whoa it was dark in there!! What's going on?   
  
Scully: Someone got me pregnant and we are trying to figure out who.   
  
Rick: I had better leave this nuthouse.   
  
He leaves quickly. (Adia slips out too.)  
  
Skinner: Who cares who got you pregnant. Lets screw each other! Adia?   
  
Adia and Skinner go to a dark corner. Moaning is heard.   
  
Scully: I am feeling very turned on.   
  
Mulder: Me tooooo!   
  
They find a dark corner and moaning is heard.   
  
Gabrielle:*timidly* Tess?   
  
Screams and laughter are heard. Adia rips of her mask.   
  
Adia (Krycek): It is I, Alex Krycek, and it was I who did you, not the girl!   
  
Skinner: Oh well, that's fine with me.   
  
They go back to doing each other. Adia and Rick walk in, Adia holding a shotgun. She points the gun at Skinner and blows (not like that) his ugly bald head away. Rick kills himself randomly.   
  
Krycek: My partner is dead, and I'm not finished! Adia?   
  
Adia: AHHHHH!!! Why don't you ask Tess??   
  
Tess: No, I'm with Gabrielle!   
  
Gabrielle: Really?   
  
Krycek: See, that leaves me with you!   
  
Tess: See, being attached is really the way to go!   
  
Adia: I'm attached, I'm attached!   
  
Krycek: To who?   
  
Shivers skips in.   
  
Adia: TO HIM!!!! Hey wait, no, that's not Bobcat! Ewwww..   
  
She takes out gun and aims it at him.   
  
Krycek: Wait, no, I'll take him!   
  
Krycek and Shivers go to a dark corner and moans are heard. Adia walks over to Rick's body, lays her hands on him and chants. He gets up, unharmed.   
  
Adia: MUHAHAHAH!   
  
Rick: Whatcha do that for? I wanted to DIE!   
  
Rick proceeds to kill himself. Adia screws the dead body. Meanwhile, there is a growing romance between Tess and Gabrielle.  
  
Xena: Hey Adia, how about doing it?   
  
Adia: What'll ya give me?   
  
Xena: Nothing, I thought you wanted me!   
  
Adia: Tess, Rick's not dead, he's immortal.   
  
Adia revives Rick again.   
  
Rick: Tess, stop using black magick on me!   
  
Rick and Adia go into closet. Tess locks them in there.   
  
Xena: Wait, I wanna do 3-way!   
  
She goes in the closet. Moans are heard. Tess and Gabrielle kiss.   
  
THE END   
  
OR IS IT???? Adia and Rick walk outta the closet and close the door. Moans are still heard. Tess looks at them then at the closet with a weird look on her face.   
  
Adia: It's Xena, she likes doing herself.   
  
Xena's voice: I'm not alone!   
  
Shiver's voice: I'm here!   
  
CSM's voice: Me 2!   
  
Krycek's voice: Me 3!   
  
Tess: STOP INTERRUPTING US!!!!!!   
  
Adia: Okaay……   
  
She and Rick get to third before crashes are heard. In comes Howell.   
  
Mrs. Howell: I wanna screw Shivers!   
  
Shivers: O.K.!   
  
He starts undressing Howell. Scully and Mulder come outta the shadows.   
  
Scully: Hey! Wanna do 4-way with me and Mulder?   
  
Shivers + Howell: SURE!!!   
  
Clothes are now strewn all over the floor. No one is fully dressed.   
  
Scully: Wait! We can't do this, I'm pregnant! Remember the poor kid will be deformed!   
  
Mulder: She's right, and I, being the father, hold some responsibility.   
  
Scully: but we don't know if you are the father!   
  
Mulder: P-Tests everyone!   
  
Tess: Not me! I ain't pregnant.   
  
She returns to Gabrielle.   
  
Adia: Okay…I'll go!   
  
She goes and returns.   
  
Mulder: Well?   
  
Adia: NEGATIVE! Me and Rick always use protection!   
  
She does a little dance. Rick is embarrassed.   
  
Scully: Xena?   
  
Xena does her thing.   
  
Xena: I'm pregnant… and the father is… SCULLY!!   
  
Scully: AAHHHHH!!!!   
  
Mulder: Scully, is there something that you need to tell me?   
  
Scully: Okay, so I had a sex change! I didn't know that I could still impregnate a woman.   
  
Gabrielle turns white as a sheet.   
  
Mulder: Knowing that, Tess, you and Gaby should take P-Tests!   
  
Tess: Kay   
  
Gabrielle: I AM NOT GABY!!!!!   
  
They go and return.   
  
Tess: umm….   
  
Adia: Well?   
  
Gabrielle: I am, Tess isn't.   
  
Mulder: and how did THAT happen??   
  
Tess: Gabrielle, have you been screwing someone else?   
  
Gabrielle: umm…..   
  
Tess grabs her shoulders and shakes her.  
  
Tess: I thought it was just us, you liar, cheater, scumbag!   
  
Tess runs away.   
  
Gabrielle: Wait, Tess!   
  
Tess: Give me a good reason!   
  
Gabrielle: I got pregnant before we met.   
  
Adia: *discreetly* yeah right!   
  
Tess: Oh, I'm sorry for those names I called you, love…   
  
Mulder: Enough with the mushy stuff, Scully lets do it!   
  
Scully: Remember, USE PROTECTION!!   
  
Mulder: I'm hungry, anyone have any sunflower seeds?   
  
Scully: Or nuts?   
  
Adia: nuts, nuts, NUTS!!!!!   
  
Amanda v/o: Nutrageous!!!   
  
All: Okaay….   
  
Scully: Hold on Mulder, I need to take that DNA test… I need to know who the father is…   
  
She leaves the room and returns.   
  
Scully: This is odd…   
  
Mulder: What is it?   
  
Scully: It says Krycek is the father, but I never did Krycek!!   
  
Mulder: That's what you think!   
  
He rips off mask.   
  
Krycek: It is I, Alex Krycek, wait, haven't I said this before, oh nevermind. It is I, Alex Krycek, not Mulder!   
  
Scully: AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!   
  
Tess: Then where is Mulder? And who is Amanda? I wanna go home…   
  
Gabrielle: Yes! Show me your house.   
  
They leave along with Rick and Adia.   
  
Scully: I'm going into labor!!!   
  
Mulder: *runs into room* Scully, what happened? Krycek tied me up in Skinner's office and I bit through the ropes to come and save you!   
  
Scully: *panting* I'm….fine….Mulder…get me to….Hospital…   
  
Mulder: But I can deliver babies, and plus, I wanna see you naked!   
  
Xena: How the hell are you going into labor if you got pregnant an hour ago?   
  
Scully: I've been secretly screwing Krycek for years now!!   
  
Mulder: You don't mean that…   
  
Scully: Yeah I do….AAHHHH!!!   
  
Mulder: Push, Scully, push!!!!   
  
Feet appear.   
  
Xena: Lets do this the easy way.   
  
She grabs the feet and pulls the kid out.   
  
Xena: It's a beautiful baby… ALIEN???!!!!   
  
Shivers: It's gotta be Mulder's child.   
  
Scully: I'm dying…   
  
Xena: Cool!   
  
Mulder: What!! Don't die! Ack!   
  
He screws Scully in an attempt to revive her.   
  
Scully: I'm fine now. Thanks, Mulder, for saving me!   
  
Alien Baby: MUHAHA!!! I am an alien hybrid.   
  
Xena: It can talk!   
  
Alien Baby: No shit, my name's Samantha, who are you?   
  
Xena: I am the queen of the forest!   
  
Alien Baby: Um….ya   
  
Mulder: What a twist! My Scully giving birth to my sister!   
  
Ashley v/o: INCEST!!!!   
  
They all look around.   
  
All: Okaay…   
  
Alien Baby: Speaking of incest, screw me, SCULLY!!!  
  
Scully: WHAT??!!   
  
Alien Baby: You heard me. You look yummy…   
  
Mulder: Sorry kid, she's mine.   
  
Xena: I'm getting sick of this little soap opera. I'm leaving.   
  
She leaves. In walks Clinton.   
  
Clinton: Hey everyone, what're y'all doin'?   
  
Shivers: I think that the appropriate question would be 'Who are y'all doin'?'   
  
Clinton: Kay, cool.   
  
Mulder: *to Scully* I told you he did Monica!   
  
Scully: never said he didn't   
  
Mulder: Yes you did.   
  
Scully: No I didn't!!!   
  
Adia walks in with her shotgun, shoots Clinton, Alien Baby, and Krycek, then walks out.   
  
Mulder: Hey! That's my kid you shot!   
  
Scully: Oh well, we'll just have to make a new one. . .   
  
Adia returns.   
  
Mulder: Wanna?   
  
Adia: What? Ooo really? You got nuts!? Yumm. . .   
  
(moans are heard)   
  
Mulder (Krycek): It is I, Alex Krycek.   
  
Adia: Uhh. . . I killed Krycek.   
  
Krycek: Well, I came back, like your boyfriend.   
  
Adia (Skinner): Well, it is I, Walter Skinner!   
  
Adia: *walks in, aims gun and kills Krycek again.* Now where's the real Mulder?   
  
Mulder: *muffled voice* Under here!   
  
Adia looked to find Mulder up Scully's skirt.   
  
Adia: Ewww! Mulder, you should know you can't make babies with your tongue! Where's Rick?   
  
Rick: *enters room* Right here.  
  
Adia grabs Rick's hand and they go into the closet.   
  
Scully: Hey, where are Xena, Tess, and Gab?   
  
Tess and Gab walk out of a dark corner.   
  
Tess: We're right here. Xena went off to screw Ares.   
  
Scully: Quick, go find Rick and Adia. *Gab runs off*. With Xena gone, the immortality spell is broken and Rick can finally DIE!!   
  
Gab returns with Adia and Rick. CSM shoots Rick to death and Adia shoots CSM to death.   
  
Tess: Finally! Rick is dead for good!   
  
Adia: Um. . . no. What are you talking about? Xena had nothing to do with the spell.   
  
Rick: *gets up* I wish you would stop doing that! *picks up gun and threatens to kill them all.*   
  
Mulder: Hey I didn't do anything! Well, except Scully. hehehe. She's gonna be pregnant with a NORMAL kid now.   
  
In skips Chibi-Moon.   
  
Chibi: HI! It's my birthday today! I'm seven!   
  
Xena returns.   
  
Shivers: Oh, you know what that means (wink wink nudge nudge) Let's give her the customary birthday present!   
  
Xena easily picks Chibi up, straps her to a bed, and rips off her clothes. Shivers undresses.   
  
Shivers: Me first!   
  
Xena: I wanna go! I have the banana!   
  
Adia: No, she should have her virginity taken by a man.   
  
Tess: DAMN STRAIGHT!   
  
Adia: Straight? I'm the only straight one here! Poor Chibi! *unties Chibi and gives her her clothes back.* Run, quick, before Shivers gets you!  
  
Chibi: *scared* Okay *runs out*   
  
Shivers: Why'd you let her go   
  
Adia: Well, I certainly wouldn't want to lose my virginity to you!   
  
Meanwhile Xena has caught Chibi and tied her up again.   
  
Xena: Now I get to use the banana!   
  
Chibi: AHHHH!!!   
  
Adia: Let a man do her!  
  
Tess: Why don't you, Adia.   
  
Adia: Good idea.   
  
She pushes Xena out of the way, unties her, picks her up and tosses her out the window.   
  
Adia: Run!!   
  
Xena: Now you made me mad!! *lunges at Adia*   
  
Adia: *starts doing freaky martial arts moves*   
  
Shivers: Cat fight!!   
  
Adia: *Claws at Xena* DIE!! Oh, and Shivers, put some clothes on PLEASE!!   
  
Xena easily kicks Adia' ass. Shivers puts some clothes on, and everyone sits in a circle.   
  
Tess: Let's play truth or dare!   
  
All: Okay.   
  
Scully: Mulder, truth or dare?   
  
Mulder: DARE!   
  
Scully: I dare you to do me!   
  
Mulder: Okay! *they get to it.*   
  
Adia: That's not fair! That's not a good dare, they always fluck each other!   
  
Tess: New rule! You cannot say no to a dare. You two done yet? Your turn Mulder.   
  
Mulder: Xena, truth or dare.   
  
Xena: Dare.   
  
Mulder: Xena, I dare you to kill Rick.   
  
Rick: *rolls eyes*   
  
Xena: Oh, goody! *kills Rick.*   
  
Rick: *gets up*. You know, this is getting old!   
  
Adia: Xena, your turn.   
  
Xena: Tess, truth or dare.   
  
Tess: Dare.   
  
Xena: I dare you to screw Shivers!   
  
Shivers: *strips down*. I'm ready baby.   
  
Tess: Uh. . um. . it's against my principles to screw guys! In other words, I'm a LESBIAN if you haven't noticed.   
  
Shivers: Please??   
  
Xena: You made the rule about turning down dares!   
  
Tess: BUT GUYS ARE GROSS!!   
  
Shivers: But I'm not a guy, if you hadn't noticed!   
  
All: We try not to look down there gaywad.   
  
Shivers: But I'm so gorgeous!   
  
Adia: *pulls out shotgun* Any last words Shivers?   
  
Shivers: I love Hanson! *BOOM*   
  
Tess: Thanks Adia, that got me out of a bAAAd situation! Redo your dare Xena.   
  
Xena: I dare you to screw. . . yourself!   
  
Tess: No prob. *goes in closet and moaning is heard then comes out*. Okay, I'm done. . . Adia. . . truth or dare?   
  
Adia: Dare   
  
Tess: I dare you to screw. . .   
  
Adia: ENOUGH ABOUT SCREWING!! Don't you people think about anything else?? AHHHH!!! *runs out of the room.*   
  
Xena runs out and gets her.   
  
Tess: I dare you to. . . wait, I got a better idea!   
  
Gab: What?   
  
Tess: Let's form a club!   
  
Adia: *annoyed* I'd like to hit you all with a club, except you Rick. *smiles at Rick.*   
  
Xena: *ignoring Adia* About what?   
  
Tess: What do you think?   
  
Adia: Nuts! Nuts nuts nuts!   
  
Amanda v/o: NUTRAGEOUS!!!!!   
  
All: Okkkkayy. . .   
  
Tess: The name of the club should be. . .  
  
Adia: NUTS! uhh. . . never understanding. . the sex! Yeah, that's it.   
  
All: What?   
  
Adia: I dunno. *Alarm rings*   
  
Rick: *Looks around and then at his watch* OMG its 12:00!   
  
Scully: Noon?   
  
Mulder: What? Nude? *to Scully* I'd like to see you nude.   
  
Rick:*ignoring Mulder.* No, midnight!   
  
They try to open the door, but it's been knocked down and put back up too many times, they can't get out.   
  
Mulder: Slumber party!   
  
All: Cool!   
  
Adia: Let's play. . . spin the bottle!   
  
Tess: No, seven minutes in heaven!   
  
The door busts down and in walks Lei, Eric, Sarah, John, Tooms, and Marita.   
  
New People: We wanna play!!!   
  
Others: *confused.* Okay. . .   
  
Mulder: *Takes paper from computer printer and rips it into small squares, tosses pens to everyone and hands out the papers.* Okay everyone, write your name on the paper I just gave you. *everyone does.*   
  
Adia: Don't we need two bowls or hats to put the papers in?   
  
Mulder: We'll just use Scully's bra.   
  
Scully: Sorry, not quite, use my shoes.   
  
Mulder: *looks disappointed*. Fine   
  
Adia: Uh. . . guys, shouldn't we "clean up" first?   
  
Everyone looks around to see dead bodies strewn amidst the clothing.   
  
Tooms: Leave that to me! *he eats their livers, then falls asleep in the garbage can.*   
  
Scully: That did hella good!   
  
Eric: What should we do with the bodies?   
  
Sarah: FLUSH THEM DOWN THE POTTY!!!   
  
Tess: Yep, that'll do. . . can we put them all in one shoe?  
  
Lei: The bodies?   
  
Tess: No, the papers! Flush the bodies down the potties. Hey, I rhymed. hehe.   
  
Sarah does and miraculously they all go down and don't clog.   
  
Tess: So, let's play. By the way, I WONT go in with a guy.   
  
Eric: Then we will have some problems, won't we?   
  
Adia: Then the girls who want girls can go with the guys.   
  
Mulder: This isn't gonna work! Let's just play spin the bottle.   
  
Tess: No, just pick two names.   
  
Xena: The first couple is. . . John. . . and Marita.   
  
They go in the closet.   
  
John: *Screams and runs out.* She bit me! She bit me! *he turns to her.* You evil bitch! *slaps her then grabs Adia's gun and shoots her.*   
  
All: Whoa!   
  
Xena: The next couple is. . .   
  
The door busts down and Aram walks in.   
  
Aram: Yo, homies, what's going on?   
  
Sarah walks up to Aram and kicks him. Aram slaps Sarah.   
  
Aram: Go away.*turns to the group.* What you guys playing?   
  
Mulder: *sarcastically* We're seeing how many people we can kill in one day.   
  
Aram: Really! Cool! *grabs Adia's shotgun and shoots Sarah. Everyone cheers except Eric, he bends over Sarah's body and cries.*   
  
Scully: Adia, where did you get that thing anyway? Shouldn't you have a license or something? I'm gonna have to arrest you!   
  
Adia: Umm. . . no! *aims gun at Scully.*   
  
Scully: Okay, okay, never mind!   
  
Eric runs into the bathroom and flushes Sarah down the potty, then drowns himself in the toilet.   
  
Gaby: Yay! One less player!   
  
Scully: Oh, no Mulder! I'm going into labor!   
  
All: AGAIN!?  
  
Scully: Yes, again! It must be Mulder's defective sperm.   
  
Mulder looks embarrassed.   
  
Xena: Looks like I'm needed again.   
  
Xena walks over to Scully and pressed down on her stomach, the baby goes shooting out. She looks at the baby.   
  
Xena: Not again!   
  
Alien Baby: MUHAHA I have returned!!   
  
Scully: What the hell?   
  
Alien Baby: You can't kill me! I'm like Rick!   
  
Rick: *looks up* What?   
  
Alien Baby: But don't worry, I'm not evil, that incest thing was a joke.   
  
Mulder: Suuuure.*rolls eyes* Everyone wants my Scully.   
  
Scully: So, Alien Baby--   
  
Alien Baby: Call me Samantha   
  
Mulder: *angrily* Why? You aren't my sister! You're my daughter! And how do you know about Samantha anyway?? *starts to cry*   
  
Alien Baby: Now that's an X-file in itself! It involves black oil, Krycek's one arm, cornfields growing in the middle of the desert, bees carrying a virus know to people as "Viagra", and of course, our good friend CSM.   
  
Scully: How odd. . . and can you tell me how they are all related?   
  
Alien Baby: No! MUHAHA!!   
  
Scully: Look, kid. All I want is a normal life with a normal job and a normal family, and what do I get? A job where I chase around flying saucers looking for my partners long lost sister and ending up being locked in my office with a bunch of freaks and giving birth to my partners long lost sister!!!   
  
X-files theme plays in the background.   
  
Scully: And that song is enough to drive one insane!   
  
Adia: Sorry. *takes x-files cd out of the cd player *   
  
Alien Baby: *tearful* Well, that's not my fault, but I'll leave if you really want me to.   
  
Scully: Fine, go!   
  
Tess: You're so mean!   
  
Adia: Yeah!   
  
Alien Baby: But you'll be sorry!   
  
Tess, Adia, Alien Baby, and Rick leave the room.   
  
Scully: That was odd.   
  
Xena: *tries the door* It wont open!   
  
Mulder: How come they got out?   
  
Lei: Guys. . . what's that sound?   
  
Everyone looks around   
  
Aram: It's coming from the bathroom!   
  
They all walk in the bathroom   
  
Gabrielle: It's coming from the toilet!   
  
Xena: It sounds like a clock!   
  
BOOM!! The toilet explodes and they all die. A few minutes later, Tess, Adia, Rick, and Alien Baby return.   
  
Tess: Whoa   
  
Adia: So, that's what you meant when you said "you'll be sorry"   
  
Alien Baby: Yep, I sent Sarah in with a bomb, and when she died and was flushed, the bomb was activated with the fumes of the septic tank. I knew everyone had only minutes to live.   
  
Rick: So, what do we do now?   
  
Adia: Let's start a band!   
  
Tess: Yes! I can sing!   
  
Rick: And I can play guitar.   
  
Adia: Drums   
  
Alien Baby: I play some mean bass.   
  
Everyone laughs and leaves.   
  
A month later, the world was amazed with the new group singing about conspiracies and potties. The band made 10 #1 hit singles and their album went sextuple platinum. The name of the band? Nuts and Yahé.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
people love nuts! 


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